[Translation] Don't Let The Country Go (不讓江山): Chapter 16 — Is It Reunion or Longing?

 

The tenth day.

The tenth day Li Diudiu had been waiting for with all his heart had finally arrived.

Early in the morning, he busied himself right away. He took off his academy uniform and changed back into his own old clothes. Though worn and patched, he had washed them spotless.

He gathered his things and prepared to leave, but then suddenly thought that his master had never seen him wearing the academy uniform before. So he hurried back and changed again.

He carried all sorts of things in large and small bundles—food and wine. The food had been prepared for him by Aunt Wu the afternoon before. The wine had been borrowed from Xiahou Zhuo, who had said he absolutely had to pay it back later.

Xiahou Zhuo had also told him this:

Everything you want in life, you must fight for yourself. Don’t get used to accepting other people’s charity. Don’t think that means you’ve gained an advantage—what it really means is turning yourself into a servant.

Li Diudiu carried so many things that he looked clumsy while walking. From the academy to Wuwei Temple was at least four li away, but he did not feel tired at all. If anything, he felt he had brought too little.

Just as he was about to leave through the academy gate, he saw Instructor Yan Qingzhi standing there waiting.

The moment Li Diudiu saw him, he panicked a little. Children probably always felt that way around teachers.

Yan Qingzhi said calmly,

“I need to go out on an errand. It just so happens to be on the way to where you’re going. Get in. I’ll give you a ride.”

For a moment, Li Diudiu felt completely unaccustomed to it. Yan Qingzhi had almost never spoken to him so gently before.

He climbed into the carriage. Yan Qingzhi pointed at a bundle inside.

“There are two sets of clothes in there. They’re old clothes of mine. I wasn’t planning to keep them anyway. Thought I might as well throw them away, so you…”

“Thank you, Teacher.”

Li Diudiu took the cloth bundle and hugged it to his chest without saying anything more.

After a moment of silence, Yan Qingzhi asked,

“You went to see Xiahou Zhuo yesterday?”

“Yes, Teacher.”

“Go see him less in the future.”

“Yes, Teacher.”

Yan Qingzhi seemed to realize how awkward the atmosphere had become. For a while, both of them fell silent.

After a long time, Yan Qingzhi glanced at Li Diudiu and said,

“You and Xiahou Zhuo are not the same kind of people.”

“I know, Teacher.”

Every time Yan Qingzhi said something, Li Diudiu answered briefly. Eventually, Yan Qingzhi seemed to lose interest in talking further.

The carriage rolled slowly down the street.

The four-li journey somehow felt even slower than walking.

Neither of them spoke. The carriage cabin was so quiet it felt empty, except that emptiness would not have been this awkward.

“We’re here.”

The carriage stopped.

Yan Qingzhi looked at Li Diudiu.

“I brought you here because I wanted your master to see that you arrived in a carriage. I wanted him to know that after entering the academy, you truly are different now.”

Li Diudiu’s heart trembled.

After getting down from the carriage, he bowed deeply toward Yan Qingzhi inside.

“Thank you, Teacher.”

“Go on.”

Yan Qingzhi lowered the curtain again, and the carriage continued forward.

Truthfully, Yan Qingzhi had no errands to run, nor was this on the way anywhere. He had simply wanted to see what kind of person the old man he respected so much looked like.

But the old man did not come.

Li Diudiu stood outside Wuwei Temple, looking around desperately, but there was no trace of his master.

There was an open area in front of the temple. One glance was enough to see everything.

As Li Diudiu stood there carrying all those things, he looked so lost that it was as if he had not lost someone else, but had lost himself.

Like a child alone in the wilderness, unable to see another soul.

That was exactly how Li Diudiu felt.

“Master…”

He kept searching in every direction, but nowhere within his sight was there any sign of his master.

Unwilling to give up, he ran to one side of the temple to look. No master.

Panting heavily, he ran to the other side.

Still no master.

No matter how strong a child was, he was still a child.

Li Diudiu suddenly burst into loud sobs.

Behind a large tree in the distance, the long-browed Daoist hid there quietly, filthy from head to toe as he secretly watched Li Diudiu.

The moment Li Diudiu broke into heart-wrenching cries, the old Daoist almost lost control and rushed out to hug the child.

But he could not.

If Li Diudiu saw him in this state, how heartbroken would he be?

He knew Li Diudiu too well. The moment the boy saw his homeless, miserable appearance, he would definitely leave the academy and return to his side.

That could not happen.

The child had already stepped onto a different road. Ahead of him was scenery and promise. Even if he never became rich or powerful, at least his future would be clean and bright.

The old Daoist had already taken ninety-nine steps to place the child onto the right path.

Only the final step remained.

He had to make the child give up on him.

That was the final step.

The long-browed Daoist wiped away his tears and leaned against the tree, breathing deeply.

He did not dare keep watching.

If he kept looking, his heart would split apart.

He lowered his head and looked at his clothes. They were still the same ones he had worn while bringing Li Diudiu to Jizhou City.

Now they were even dirtier and more tattered. It was impossible to tell what color the Daoist robe had originally been.

If…

If only he had one clean, decent set of clothes…

Then he would already have rushed out and embraced the child.

Li Diudiu had suffered terribly while waiting for this day.

But hadn’t the old Daoist suffered just as much?

No.

He had suffered even more.

The closer the day came, the more unbearable it became.

He had tried with all his strength to find a clean set of clothes, but he simply could not.

Even if he died, he would never steal or rob. He would never open his mouth to beg.

He was a man of the Dao.

He had to answer to the ancestors of his sect and to the identity of a Daoist.

All these years, he had survived by fortune-telling, but he had never once cheated anyone out of money against his conscience.

If someone paid him a certain amount, he would say only as much as that amount was worth.

He knew very well that in a sense he was still deceiving people for a living.

But he merely sold comforting words in exchange for money, letting wealthy people or bad people buy peace of mind from him.

He was a contradictory man.

Sometimes so contradictory that even he despised himself.

This very morning, he had wanted to leave once and for all without coming to the temple.

But he simply could not bear it.

He had tried countless times, but he could not convince himself.

On the way here, he passed a drainage ditch. He had crouched there seriously washing his face.

Even though the water was filthy, he washed himself carefully until his face was clean.

“Diudiu… don’t blame Master for being cruel.”

The old Daoist leaned against the tree, muttering to himself.

Both his legs trembled so hard he could barely stand.

“Master has sent you onto the bright and prosperous road. But Master himself cannot walk that road.”

“And since I cannot walk it, I cannot drag you down too. I cannot become your burden.”

“Child… may your future be glorious. Master bids you farewell.”

He raised his hand and wiped his eyes forcefully, took a deep breath, and strode away.

The long-browed Daoist walked forward in large steps.

Each step trembled.

Behind him came Li Diudiu’s heartbreaking cries.

Inside the old Daoist’s heart, it felt as though knives were slicing him over and over again.

Again and again and again, he wanted to turn around and run back.

Every breath brought countless urges to do so.

But he endured.

Li Diudiu would certainly suffer grievances in the academy because he did not come from wealth or nobility.

How many cold words and insults would an eleven-year-old child have to endure every day?

And if people learned he had such a destitute master, they would look down on him even more.

He’ll stop crying after a while.

He’ll stop after a while…

As the old Daoist walked, he lowered his head and saw the ragged clothes covering his body.

For the first time in his life, resentment rose in his heart.

Thieving heavens…

I have never acted against my conscience. I do one good deed every day.

Why can’t I even earn a shred of dignity?

The dignity he wanted was nothing more than one clean, decent set of clothes.

He did not know how far he had walked before he could no longer endure it.

He collapsed to the ground, leaning against a wall as tears streamed down his face.

In the distance, he could still hear Li Diudiu crying himself hoarse.

The old Daoist opened his mouth and cried too.

A silent cry.

Clink.

Something dropped before him.

Instinctively, he looked down.

A passerby had tossed a copper coin at him.

The old Daoist shook his head.

“I’m not a beggar. I do not beg.”

“Heh.”

The passerby glanced at him.

“Take it or leave it. What, too little for you?”

The old Daoist picked up the coin, wanting to return it, but the man had already walked far away, cursing under his breath as he went.

Perhaps he felt that doing a good deed only to get irritated in return was not worth it.

The old Daoist placed the copper coin back on the ground and used the wall to pull himself up.

He could not sit here any longer.

If Li Diudiu saw him, then everything would have been for nothing.

He had only come to see the child one last time.

Supporting himself against the wall, he walked forward.

And just then, someone appeared before him.

“Don’t cut off his path to life.”

A voice spoke in front of him.

The old Daoist looked up and instantly recognized the teacher from the carriage.

When Li Diudiu had stepped down from the carriage earlier, he had secretly watched from afar. He had seen exactly what that teacher looked like.

Diudiu looked so handsome in that academy uniform.

So spirited sitting inside the carriage.

That was the life he should have had.

Yan Qingzhi looked at the old Daoist.

Normally calm and steady, at this moment he felt so distressed he wanted to roar.

“He will lose the will to live.”

Yan Qingzhi spoke again.

“I…”

The old Daoist looked once more at his own clothes and shook his head.

“I cannot let him see me like this. Rather than letting him become distracted from his studies because of me, it’s better to be cruel… Sir, please step aside.”

“You know Li Chi better than anyone,”

Yan Qingzhi said word by word.

“At the academy, I deliberately make things hard for him because I want to temper his character. I call him poor because I want to forge his patience.”

“If he suffers more from me now, then when he later attends the main classes and faces the bullying of others, he’ll be better able to endure it.”

“I don’t allow him to get too close to children of noble birth because I don’t want him becoming someone’s lackey, someone else’s follower.”

“There is pride in his bones. He cannot let craving others’ charity turn that pride into servility.”

“I forbid him from doing this and that because I know how difficult it was for him to enter the academy. In the thirty-six years of Four-Page Academy, there has never been a student like him.”

Yan Qingzhi continued,

“So I respect you. But now, I look down on you a little.”

“What I’m doing is not cutting off his path to life. What you are doing right now is.”

The old Daoist opened his mouth, but no words came out.

“You know Li Chi best. If he loses even this bond between you, then what meaning would there be in him continuing to live?”

“You are making an eleven-year-old child develop thoughts of death, and you still call that being good to him?”

“I always tell the other students that they study not for anyone else, but for themselves.”

“But I cannot say that to him.”

“He is studying for you.”

Yan Qingzhi shook his head and turned away.

“Think about it yourself.”

The old Daoist watched Yan Qingzhi’s departing back.

In the end, he still chose to leave.

And just then—

Behind him came a hoarse cry.

“Master!”

The old Daoist’s shoulders shook violently.

He wanted to turn around.

But he did not dare.

Li Diudiu came sprinting over wildly, throwing everything from his hands aside.

He rushed behind the old Daoist and wrapped his arms tightly around him.

So tightly.

“Don’t! You’ll dirty your academy uniform!”

The old Daoist quickly turned around, trying to push Li Diudiu away.

But how could Li Diudiu possibly let go?

He clung to the old Daoist’s waist for a very long time.

Then suddenly, Li Diudiu bit down hard on the old Daoist’s arm.

The old man burst into tears.

“Master…”

“Master’s here.”

“Master, were you trying to run away?”

“No… Master just forgot to change clothes. Master’s pretending to be poor right now to fool people.”

“You only know how to fool me.”

Li Diudiu wiped his tears and snot all over his master’s clothes, then suddenly grinned.

“Master, have you ever eaten dumplings before? Fair-skinned and beautiful dumplings.”

The old Daoist blinked.

“Huh?”

On top of a distant wall, Xiahou Zhuo sat there watching.

His nose had already turned sour from emotion, but hearing that line, he burst out laughing.

What a ridiculous kid.

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