[Translation] I'm Not An Immortal (我不成仙) by Shi Jing (时镜): Chapter 005: The Pain of Losing a Child

 

Jian Chou's voice, carried by the night wind, drifted and trembled like leaves hanging from the treetops in late autumn.  

Having witnessed countless partings and reunions in the mortal world, and seen endless scheming and betrayal among cultivators, Fu Dao Shan Ren felt a twinge of sympathy seeing Jian Chou like this.  

He was not one of those barefoot doctors who needed to take a pulse to diagnose someone's condition.  

With his pair of eyes, one glance told him everything.  

"Shan Ren?"  

Jian Chou asked again, her voice full of hope.  

Perhaps she was not a qualified mother, for she had been completely unaware since first learning of her pregnancy. Only now, stirred by the scene before her, did she remember that she was about to become a parent!  

Counting on her fingers, it had only been a few hours.  

Fu Dao Shan Ren slowly lowered his hands, gave an awkward laugh, and put on a nonchalant expression. "Take your pulse? How could I, a mountain dweller, do something so mundane? I say, girl, you've asked the wrong person."  

"…"  

Jian Chou suddenly deflated. Her hand, which had been resting on the doorframe, slid down.  

Her clear gaze fell upon Fu Dao Shan Ren, as if weighing the truth of his words.  

"Shan Ren, you have vast and miraculous powers. Even if you can't take a pulse, surely there are other ways to…"  

"How would I know any?"  

Fu Dao Shan Ren quickly shook his head, his eyes darting about—glancing at the green tiles on the eaves, then at the dark night beyond the courtyard, then up at the stars in the sky.  

"Oh my, I, Shan Ren, observe the night sky. The moon and stars appear together, which means a person of great destiny is about to appear in this world! Girl, maybe it's you!"  

"…Shan Ren, is the child in my belly gone?"  

Jian Chou suddenly asked this, and Fu Dao Shan Ren froze.  

He slowly turned his head to look at Jian Chou.  

There was much sorrow and fear in Jian Chou's expression. After seeing Fu Dao Shan Ren's reaction, what else could she understand?  

The pool of blood she had seen upon climbing out of the coffin suddenly surfaced in Jian Chou's mind.  

Even with his miraculous skills, Fu Dao Shan Ren had been unable to save her child, hadn't he?  

A baby not even two months old—had it already left her?  

Indeed, it had only been a few hours.  

She hadn't even had the awareness that she was about to become a mother…  

It was as short as a dream.  

Jian Chou suddenly felt weak all over, as if thousands of sharp blades were lodged in her throat.  

She stiffly turned around and murmured, "I understand…"  

Step by step, she walked back to the table and sat down again.  

The scissors in the sewing basket were so sharp they seemed capable of piercing her eyes, not to mention the silver lock beneath them, glinting in the light.  

She sat there blankly, as if she would sit until the end of time.  

Seeing this, Fu Dao Shan Ren in the courtyard let out a long sigh, turned around, and shifted his gaze back to the white goose.  

The moment he turned, a muffled, restrained sob suddenly came from the house behind him.  

The owner of that crying voice seemed to be struggling desperately to control her inner grief, but in the end, she could not.  

The floodgates burst, sweeping everything away.  

What had been a quiet sob suddenly became a wail of anguish, as if she were pouring out every bit of her grievance and helplessness.  

She had experienced her husband's betrayal and the pain of losing a child. In such a short time, she could not recover…  

In the end, Fu Dao Shan Ren did not turn around to look. He simply climbed over the fence, scooped up the white goose that was running around everywhere, held it in his arms, and ignored its desperate struggles. He spoke quietly: "Goose, oh goose, your Shan Ren is in a bit of a bad mood right now, so don't you dare flap about… Otherwise, I'll just have to eat you raw."  

The white goose shuddered all over, and its long neck immediately drooped, as if it had understood Fu Dao Shan Ren's words. It didn't dare move again.  

Only then did Fu Dao Shan Ren nod in satisfaction and stroke the goose's feathers.  

"Good goose, good goose. How wonderful to be born as an animal. You don't have to understand all these human partings and reunions, their joys and sorrows…"  

With every stroke, the goose trembled, nearly driven mad.  

No one knew how long passed. The stars and moon in the sky slowly shifted their positions.  

The crying from inside the house gradually stopped.  

Fu Dao Shan Ren looked up toward the doorway.  

Jian Chou slowly walked out from inside, stood under the eaves, raised her head, and gazed at the night sky. After a long while, she finally spoke. "Shan Ren, you said earlier that you wanted to take me as your disciple. Were you serious?"  

Fu Dao Shan Ren guessed that she was feeling somewhat better, but taking on a disciple was not something to be done so hastily.  

He said, "When I asked you earlier, you didn't answer a word, which shows you didn't want to become my disciple at all. But now you've changed your mind. So let me ask you: if you become my disciple, what do you intend to do?"  

"Seek immortality and pursue the Way."  

Jian Chou answered firmly.  

Fu Dao Shan Ren smiled, not believing her for a moment. "Seek immortality and pursue the Way? Or seek revenge?"  

Jian Chou fell silent.  

After crying, her eyes were red. The moonlight, frost-white, shone into her shimmering, tear-filled eyes, creating a momentary, indescribable beauty.  

"It's not that I don't want to take you as my disciple. But if you enter my sect and cultivate my Way solely for revenge, not only will you make no progress on the path of cultivation, even if you do achieve something, this experience will become an insurmountable mental obstacle. Once that obstacle arises, seeking immortality and pursuing the Way is nothing but a joke."  

Fu Dao Shan Ren's words were, for once, serious and grave.  

The path of a cultivator is often full of hardships and obstacles.  

Among the countless people in the world, most are ordinary mortals. Few have great wisdom and achieve great things. Out of ten thousand Qi Condensation cultivators, perhaps ten will reach Foundation Establishment. And among those ten, not one is guaranteed to reach the Golden Core stage.  

Cultivation is, by its nature, a one-in-ten-thousand endeavor. The slightest mistake is unacceptable. The requirements for talent and temperament are absurdly high.  

With Jian Chou's current state of mind, she was truly unsuited for this path.  

Fu Dao Shan Ren had asked Jian Chou earlier because he had been moved by her sincerity and because there was a bit of karmic connection between them. That was why he had wanted to take her as a disciple.  

A person's temperament determines their success or failure.  

Despite suffering such a great upheaval, Jian Chou could still occasionally show a hint of a smile and even say things like "I will be the second." Fu Dao Shan Ren was not someone who had completely detached from human emotions or fully understood the will of heaven. He could naturally sense what kind of person Jian Chou was at heart.  

As for the line "If that's the case, then I'll kill him," it carried a hint of the cold, hard detachment unique to cultivators, almost in line with the Way of Heaven.  

If not for that mental obstacle, if he took her as his disciple, who knew what great things she might achieve?  

What a pity…  

Fu Dao Shan Ren was about to abandon the idea of taking Jian Chou as his disciple entirely.  

But then…  

"The white goose will go with you, and you will take me as your disciple."  

Jian Chou walked out from under the eaves and stood before Fu Dao Shan Ren, her voice steady and calm.  

If not for the fact that they were in this small mountain village, if not for the dilapidated surroundings, if not for the fact that Jian Chou stood before him in simple, coarse clothes and a cloth skirt—  

Fu Dao Shan Ren would have thought she had said, "I'll give you the Sword Tomb of the Eternal Immortal Emperor; you take me as your disciple!"  

Was she joking?  

A mere white goose!  

Fu Dao Shan Ren looked down at the white goose still in his arms, his face full of indignation.  

"Do I really seem that vulgar and mundane in your eyes? Do I look like someone who would be tempted by petty gains? Cultivation is a serious matter! Back in my day, I roamed across the Six Realms and Nineteen Continents with a single bamboo staff. Everyone who saw me kowtowed and called me 'Granddaddy.' With someone as impressive as me, you want to become my disciple by offering just a white goose?! That's an insult!"  

It seemed as if smoke was about to shoot out of his nostrils. Fu Dao Shan Ren glared at Jian Chou, his eyes turning red.  

"Do you really think I would be so easily bought by a single white goose?!"  

Having said this, his anger seemed to have reached its peak. He flung the white goose to the ground.  

"At least two, don't you think?!"  

"…"  

Jian Chou stared at Fu Dao Shan Ren, her expression filled with a kind of indescribable disdain.  

This guy was really…  

He made you want to roll your eyes.  

Jian Chou didn't know how to describe what she felt inside. She was silent for a long time before escaping that strange mood. She said, "Right now, all my geese have run off. There isn't a second one. But finding geese is simple. One day, Jian Chou is willing to find you another."  

"That's more like it."  

Fu Dao Shan Ren snorted, seeming satisfied.  

He looked at the goose he had thrown to the ground. The goose was stunned, as if it had no idea why it had gone from being so "favored" to being cast into the "cold palace."  

He quickly bent down, picked the white goose up again.  

He had thrown it earlier for the sake of dramatic effect, but he had secretly used some techniques to protect it. It wouldn't be hurt, but he hoped it wasn't too frightened.  

Without even looking up, he said to Jian Chou, "Then it's a deal. Perform the disciple-bowing ceremony."  

"Disciple-bowing ceremony?"  

Jian Chou had only witnessed some of his miraculous abilities on the road and knew he was extraordinary. But she had no idea how to perform the ceremony, or if there were any special rituals.  

She wasn't ashamed to ask. "Please instruct me, Shan Ren."  

The white goose in Fu Dao Shan Ren's arms was terrified, turned into a dazed,呆头 goose, barely reacting.  

Fu Dao Shan Ren was deeply worried. He sighed and said to Jian Chou, "Even your white goose has more spiritual awareness than you. What is there to instruct about a disciple-bowing ceremony? Three kowtows, and the debts of this life repay the vows of the past."  

As he spoke, his expression suddenly turned serious.  

He took his bamboo staff and struck it against the ground.  

A crisp crack rang out, and a deep blue ring of light radiated outward from the staff. It spread like ripples on water, finally stopping at a distance of one *zhang*, three *chi*, and six *cun*.  

After stopping, the ring of light held for three breaths before slowly fading, as if sinking into the earth.  

Jian Chou, Fu Dao Shan Ren, and… uh, the white goose, were all within this circle.  

Jian Chou had never truly witnessed such a miraculous feat before.  

In that instant, Fu Dao Shan Ren's face seemed to be bathed in a halo of light. He said, "Begin your bows."  

Heaven, Earth, Sovereign, Parents, Teacher—a teacher for a day is a father for life.  

No one understood the importance of respecting one's teacher and the Way better than Jian Chou.  

Yet the feeling was strange. She was actually going to have a teacher. And she was about to step onto the path of immortality?  

She lifted the coarse hem of her skirt, knelt on the ground, raised her hands above her head with palms facing down, pressed them to her forehead, then bowed low.  

The moon hung askew, the breeze cool.  

Tree shadows swayed.  

As Jian Chou bowed, her downward-facing palms naturally pressed into the damp earth of the courtyard.  

The cold soil mirrored her heart, which remained undisturbed.  

If severing all familial ties meant cutting off all worldly connections, then perhaps at this moment, she had indeed severed all worldly connections.  

She had no father or mother. She didn't know where she came from, nor where she was going. Her husband had abandoned her. The child yet to be born in her womb would never have the chance to call her mother.  

Though heaven and earth were vast, there was not a single person, thing, or matter left that could make her worry or yearn.  

It felt empty, lonely.  

First bow, kowtow. Second bow, kowtow. Third bow, kowtow.  

The moment the disciple-bowing ceremony was complete, a faint,蒙蒙 glow suddenly appeared, centered on where Jian Chou knelt and radiating outward.  

The light was pale, with a kind of dull, chaotic quality—dim, not very distinct.  

But on a night like this, it was clear enough to see.  

It was an octagonal shape, one *zhang* across, with lines crisscrossing in four directions, dividing the octagon into countless small grids. It looked like an octagonal chessboard.  

As Jian Chou stood up, the pattern of the octagonal chessboard gradually faded, as if it had never appeared.  

"What was that just now…"  

Jian Chou had never seen such a wonder in her life. It seemed the pattern had appeared because the ceremony had been completed.  

She looked at Fu Dao Shan Ren and saw his face was blank.  

At that moment, Fu Dao Shan Ren felt like he was dreaming.  

The slow-to-react white goose finally snapped out of it and jumped out of his arms. He didn't even look back. "One *zhang*… a one-*zhang* All-Seeing Combat Compass…"  

All-Seeing Combat Compass?  

"What is that?" Jian Chou asked, curious.